“He who has a why to live can bear almost any how” – Friedrich Nietzsche
I asked myself why I keep hoping to bring the past back. The answer came from within me and it was this: To someone who feels lost, retracing steps and going back to the past can help the person find out at what point along the journey he made a wrong turn.
That’s a valid argument, I thought.
But then, a part of me said, “There is no such thing as a wrong turn”.
Before anything else, let me make it clear that I am not a mental case (or so I’d like to think). I’m sure all of you (God, I do hope all of you) have this conversation with yourself but only in your head. If it’s a verbal communication with yourself, then that’s a different case.
It was one of those inexplicable days when rainclouds were all around me. On my way home, I dropped by a convenience store to buy 2 bottles of cold Red Horse Beer. I started drinking in front of my computer after eating lunch. Then, after finishing the bottles of beer, I went upstairs to my room.
As I lay on my bed with cloudy eyes, this conversation suddenly happened:
Dreamer_me: Hey, I’m sorry bro. It’s all my fault that we’re a total mess right now.
Logical_me: It’s not completely your fault. You were only going for what would make us happy. If you failed, then maybe it’s also because I got tired and let you take full control of everything. I’m sorry too.
D: We wouldn’t have been broken this much if we only followed the plan we set when we were young. I don’t know how else we can get through this. We’ve strayed too far from the path.
L: Look at you. You’re too jaded now. Remember how you used to say that everything happens for a reason? Man up, dude! We’re in this together. What happened to the dreamer in you?
D: I’m wishing I’m dead right now.
L: Well, I need you. You know what can make us happy. If I’m left all alone, life would be pointless.
D: You know what; I think we should really get our shit together. If we agree on something, who knows what we can achieve.
L: That’s a great idea. Although, expect me to offer some opposition every once in a while. You can’t be too sure about everything can you?
L: Lets do this!
What on Earth are you doing to your life? Have you ever pondered about this? If not, then good for you. You’re one of the lucky people who don’t give a shit about the meaning of life, living blissfully ignorant of your role in this world.
We all don’t have the time to sit and think about everything. This world offers too many distractions that we can’t find the time to concentrate or find an answer to such a simple question. Some of us couldn’t find an answer because they don’t want to face the reality of it all. All they want to do is look at the world based on their own reality. They successfully filter out things they seem unnecessary or unworthy of attention. What is reality anyway? That’s a whole different topic and I can’t digress too much from this first blog entry.
So, what on Earth are we all doing here?
Why are we living in this world?
What’s the meaning of all of this?
Folks, I apologize to those who might not be able to sleep after reading this. Treat the questions as if they are rhetorical in nature. But if you do have the time and the gusto for it, then try to find an answer. Don’t expect that it will come easily, though. I’ve been trying to find the answer myself for the last 29 years.
Well, here I am again, writing. It’s been years since I’ve done this, and quite frankly I’m not really up to it, but I need to do this to exorcise my demons. So many thing troubling my puny little brain, I’m afraid I might evolve into something I don’t want to be.
Hang on tight folks! This will be a very bumpy ride. Hate me or like me, I guess I don’t really give a shit. I was not born to please everybody, and that I’m glad of. You may continue reading if you want a glimpse of my nasty little thoughts.